Beneath the tough, thorny and cold facade, mired in chaotic, dark mess of regrets, traumas and unresolved issues… is my mother.

Broken as can be, still she tried, with all her might, she tried to be good. But reality can’t be denied, she can’t change her form. She’s beaten and molded to a certain shape, she can’t escape.

Inside her, is my mother, longing to hold me. Inside me is a daughter longing to hold her.

Written: August 26, 2019 @1:46am

Naaalala ko, nung bata pa ako. Sina tiya Puring na aming kapitbahay ay may dalawang Bicolanong pamangkin na nagbakasyon sa Lucena. Nakalimutan ko na yung pangalan ng isa, pero yung isa ay hindi ko makalimutan. Nakilala ko lang siya sa pangalang “Lamos”.

Maitim siyang bata, halatang sunog sa araw at lumaki sa dagat. Ang mukha niya ay tipikal na native na Filipino. Hindi katangusan ang ilong pero maganda at inosente ang kanyang mga matang parating nakangiti. Matangkad siya para sa kanyang edad, mga 12 o 14 siguro siya noon. Bata pa man siya ay kita na malaking bulas siya. Malapad ang balikat at maganda ang pangangatawan. Halatang laki sa hirap, at gusgusin ang pananamit.

Isang gabi inutusan ako ni Mommy na bumili ng kung anuman sa tindahan ni aling Josie, nakasalubong ko si Lamos at ang kanyang pinsan. Nang makita ni Lamos na ako ang kasalubong nila, kitang-kita ko sa liwanag ng buwan kung paanong bigla na lang gumuhit ang mahiyaing ngiti sa kanyang mga labi na nagbunyag sa kaniyang mapuputing ngipin. Kita ko na may itsura siya at hindi ako bulag sa kanyang inosenteng karisma, ngunit imbes na ngumiti ako, inirapan ko siya.

Nung pabalik na ako, nakita ko silang dalawang bata na naghihintay sa may pathway. Nung makita nila ako, sabay silang tumayo. Si Lamos hagikhik ng hagikhik na para bang kinikiliti. Kahit bata pa ako, alam ko na sa hitsura ni Lamos na may crush siya sa akin. Ito ay bagay na ikinainis ko, dahil siya ay probinsyano at gusgusin. Nung panahon na yun ay ayaw na ayaw ko sa maiiitim dahil ako ay maitim rin. Pinagtatawanan ako ng aking mga pinsan dahil si Lamos na maitim at gusgusin ay may crush sa akin.

Tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay nakabuntot siya sa akin, sinusundan ako, pero minsan man ay hindi siya nagtangkang kausapin ako, marahil ay dahil isnabera ako at parating nakairap sa kanya.

Sa tuwing lilingon ako, titigil sya sa paglalakad, ngingiti sa akin, kakamot sa ulo at magkukunwaring hindi niya ako sinusundan. Titingnan ko lang siya ng masama at kakamot lang siya sa ulo.

Napakaraming dahilan kung bakit hindi ko pinansin noon si Lamos. Una, dahil ako ay bata pa, mura pa ang aking pag-iisip.

Mas importante sa akin noon ang sasabihin ng mga pinsan ko. Madalas akong pagtawanan ng aking mga pinsan dahil sa kulay ng aking balat. Mas lalo pa nila akong nilait nung malaman nilang may gusto sa akin si Lamos na maitim din.

Ikalawa, siya ay probinsyano, samantalang ako ay laki sa syudad. Dahil ako ay bata pa, sa isip ko ang isang probinsyano ay primitibo. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi kami bagay at wala kaming maaaring pag-usapan.

Ang isip ko ay nasa malayo, nananabik ako sa mga grandeng bagay at ayaw ko sa mga simpleng bagay at simpleng pamumuhay. Nagnanais akong makita ang mundo na hindi abot ng isang mahirap na tulad ko. Mababa ang aking tingin sa mga simpleng mga bagay at pag-iiisip. Nangangarap at nananabik akong matutunan ang malayo at malalalim na mga pilosopiya. Mga bagay na ukol sa sansinukob, siyensya, mga paraan ng mundo, politika, mga batas, lihim na kasaysayan ng ating planeta, sangkatauhan, sikolohiya at mga kulturang hindi ko abot.

Ikatlo, nung mga panahon na iyon, ayaw ko sa sinumang nagpapakita sa akin ng interes. Hindi ako masaya sa aking sarili at pakiramdam ko ay hindi pa ako buong tao. Isa pa lamang akong maliit na piraso na bahagya pa lamang nagsisimulang mamukadkad.

Pakiramdam ko ay sinumang magkagusto sa akin noon ay walang pangarap sa buhay at simple ang pag-iisip.

Kalaunan bumalik na sila sa Bicol at ako naman ay nagpa-Maynila.

Isang beses, ako ay malaki na, umuwi ako ng Lucena. Nagkataon nandoon uli si Lamos, nagbabakasyon.

Hindi pa rin nagbago ang kanyang mukha at pananamit. Mukha pa rin siyang gusgusin. Naroon pa rin ang maganda at inosente niyang mga mata. Mahiyain pa rin ang kanyang mga ngiti at ganun pa rin siyang tumingin sa akin. Isang bagay lang ang nabago sa kanya, siya ay hindi na bata. Ngayon siya ay binata na, at bagaman gusgusin pa rin ang pananamit, si Lamos ay lumaking matangkad at napaka-gwapo. Bawat pulgada ng kanyang pisikal na imahe ay kanais-nais at lalaking-lalaki. Animo’y mandirigmang dagat gaya ni Lapulapu.

Naulit muli ang senaryo ng aming kabataan, siya’y pasulyap-sulyap sa akin at ako naman ay nagkukunwaring hindi ko siya napapansin. Gaya nung bata pa kami, minsan man ay hindi kami nag-usap. Iyon na ang huli naming pagkikita.

Paminsan-minsan, nakakaramdam ako ng panghihinayang. Crush ko siya kahit nung bata pa kami, kaya nga lamang hindi ko ipinakita sa kanya at kahit kanino dahil mas iniisip ko ang sasabihin ng aking mga pinsan. Ngayon, naiisip ko, ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng mayakap nya, mahalikan niya at makausap siya. Anong pakiramdam na mahalin ng isang tulad niya.

Kung buburahin ang aking memorya, at ibabalik ako sa nakaraan, alam kong ganun pa rin ang magiging mga desisyon ko. Ngayon ito ay aking pinanghihinayangan, subalit kung kami ni Lamos ay nagkatuluyan noon, alam kong mas marami akong panghihinayangan at pagsisisihan. Mga bagay at pagkakataong hindi ko mararanasan kung ako ay nanatili sa Lucena at kung kami ay nagkatuluyan ni Lamos.

Ngayon ay alam ko na, anuman ang maging desisyon ko sa buhay, hindi maiiwasan na mayroon akong panghihinayangan.

Mula sa aking pinagsimulan, masasabing malayo na ang aking narating. At hindi maikakaila na napakaraming bagay na akong natutunan. Mas buong tao na ako kaysa noon at mayroon na akong pananalig sa aking sarili.

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ako ay malungkot, ang mga engrandeng bagay na noon ay pinanabikan ko ay nawalan na ng halina at ako ay nananabik sa mga bagay na simple. Nagnanais akong makapahinga sa salimuot ng mundo.

Para sa akin, si Lamos ay simbolo ng kamusmusan at mga simpleng bagay at pamumuhay.

The Sea is calling for me again and the breeze is tempting me. My feet says stay here and grow your roots for once. My heart says, you do not belong here, don’t get stuck. My brain tells them — shut up, you two, and let me sleep.

“If it all fell to pieces tomorrow… would you still be mine?”

Oh far have I travelled from Enki’s abode
All through the dark caverns of the underworld
Searching for him who possesses the key
The one that can calm my heart’s open sea Continue reading →

Last night I was visited by an ageless sage
He saw me weeping and locked in my cage
He asked, my dear child why are you weeping?
I said, Let me be, for atonement I am seeking Continue reading →

Unto eternity unmoulded I would give my hands,
And to untrodden fields assign my feet.
What joy is there in songs oft heard,
Whose tune the remembering ear arrests.
Ere the breath yields it to the wind?
My heart longs for what my heart conceives not,
And unto the unknown where memory dwells not,
I would command my spirit.
Oh, tempt me not with glory possessed,
And seek not to comfort me with your dream or mine,
For all that I am, and all that there is on earth,
And all that shall be, inviteth not my soul.

- The Earth Gods, 2nd Earth God – Kahlil Gibran

I was on my way back to Chicago, I boarded the plane that will take me from Guam to Honolulu, Hawaii. Initially I had a Business class seat, but got upgraded to First Class. It was my first time to be in the First class cabin on an International flight and of course it was way better than the first class in a domestic flight.
Continue reading →

Own Side by Caitlin Rose

“I’m goin’ out on town
Said I’m tired of chasin’ you down
And it’s not my right to always push you around
I’m on my own side now”

Once upon a time I felt lonely
With the unpredictable wind I gambled away certainty
For I greatly wondered all the things that could be
With hopes that I will get that one good thing that I might see

In my quest I found a box, worn and torn as could be
My friends told me, leave it be, it is where it should be
But I’m a dreamer and I imagined all the best it can be
I labored to dug it out and finally took it home with me Continue reading →

Everyone that knows me, knows that I’m into white guys. It’s just my preference since I was a kid. It’s not something I chose. I’m just naturally drawn to like them for some reason that I cannot explain. But on September 4, 2013, something occurred that changed me and my definition of physical beauty. I met Beauty himself, face to face and the whole experience inspired me to write this:

Just when you thought you know beauty,
And you’re dead set on your own definition,
It has a way of proving you wrong.
When you come face to face with Beauty,
All your definitions become irrelevant.
For Beauty can only be defined by itself.
It has the power to change you and your preferences,
It’s transcendental and comes in different colors.

I am traveling to the future.
And tomorrow I will arrive there just on time.
Yesterday is just a place in the fabric of time.
And though I don’t have the means to visit it,
I know in that place my father is young again,
Living the life that he lived and witnessed by me of the future.

I cry, not because I think he is gone, but because of the space and time that seem to separate us now. This seemingly unbridgeable gap is only an illusion, for yesterday and today both exist in time at the same time.

I rejoice, not because I think there is an afterlife but because I believe there is none, for life continued is just called life. In truth we never truly die.

In the future we will meet again. I may be a bird, and you could be a tree. My only hope is that this time I will not forget you just like how I forgot my many Fathers, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters and Children in the past. They surround me now yet I could not recognize them nor do they can me. Molecules and atoms float around and form continuously, infinitely; my fear is that you’re here and already — I do not recognize you.

It’s funny how people who were born and raised in the Philippines can be classified as “Illegal settlers” in their own so called home land. And the cry of the Filipinos– Aming ligaya na pag may mang-aapi, ang mamatay ng dahil sayo. Now some privileged pricks think they could just get rid of them without a fight. I believe if they are in a public land/property they have all the right to defend their homes as you would your own country against those who would like to take away your rights to settle in the land where you were born whether these enemies are foreign or domestic. Continue reading →

It is almost laughable to watch somebody who has a white collar job getting paid a decent wage to live a somewhat comfortable life– look down on poor people who work hard jobs in extreme conditions and get paid dirt cheap. And how they rally and criticize the poor of being lazy and accuse them of having a feeling of self-entitlement. Continue reading →

This sudden rush of awareness to my own existence happens to me from time to time and each episode last only for a few seconds to about 2 minutes. When this happens, it feels as though I was just born and awoke to realize I exist. And a billion questions that I can’t yet name just overwhelms my brain, and all I can really focus on is WHY?!!! Continue reading →