This sudden rush of awareness to my own existence happens to me from time to time and each episode last only for a few seconds to about 2 minutes. When this happens, it feels as though I was just born and awoke to realize I exist. And a billion questions that I can’t yet name just overwhelms my brain, and all I can really focus on is WHY?!!!
It’s that frightening realization of your own existence and the world around you; a moment of clarity that you know nothing of your own existence including the world. It’s almost as if you have been just detached from the lies that have been your whole life. And then you ask yourself, what is this place? What is this all about? Why am I here? Why do I exist? Where and how did these all began? I have asked these questions even in my normal state, but it is different when I am in this state of sudden awareness to existence because I actually feel the magnitude of these questions.
This same emotion makes you believe that there is more to this existence than what you have known. It’s so frightening, your brain, could not handle it, so it tries to snap you back to being normal again. A part of you tries to fight back as though you are so close to receiving a forbidden knowledge. But your brain wins and that is when it all ends and you feel comforted again.
I have attempted to describe this feeling to many people but I am still yet to come up with a better and accurate description. Only those who have experience this would know what I’m talking about, they are very few and I have yet to meet one in person.
In my attempt to understand this phenomenon, I have realized many things. One is that our day to day lives consist of only one thing, and that is processing and reacting to stimulus. Like a programmed robot, we do what we do. We move and act based on our surroundings, in turn our acts makes others do what they do, which creates a world that impacts us back that we react to again. And this cycle continues infinitely, until that moment of sudden awareness that makes you stop and be baffled by all of these. This creates a conflict in your brain because it seems as though, by design, you are not supposed to stop reacting and not supposed to analyze this great cycle.
Is there really more to this existence or are we merely a complex biological robotic computing machine? Within the vast Uni/Multi-verse that we are yet to understand, we exist. Why? In that moment of sudden awareness to existence, you ask yourself, how can you and anyone continue living without understanding this robotic cycle within the frightening unknown?
This emotion and state of mind will last only for a few seconds, and it is as though your brain activates its natural self-preservation mode, you snap back into the normal state and join this seemingly unbreakable infinite cycle again. And you’re back to normal.