Some of my friends got worried about me when they read the poem I wrote for Paul (in the previous page). So as not to make anyone worry, here I will try to explain myself and what I wrote.
Yes I am grieving, and yes it’s excruciatingly painful BUT my heart is grieving/bleeding JOYFULLY for Paul. I know it’s an irony to grieve joyfully but this pain is a reminder of all the joy he brought me. Thus, I gratefully accept this season of pain as I did with the season of joy with Paul. Therefore I seek no healing from it, let time does what it always does. There is nothing to worry about because I have no plans to end nor ruin my life. The most valuable lesson Paul taught me is the pain of watching your loved one lose their way and the final, long-term devastation of losing them. I do not plan to cause anyone that kind of pain.
Time as we know it heals all wounds, my greatest fear right now is that — in the many years to come, I will see a million faces, a million smile and hear a million laughter — I fear that it will confuse me and I will forget exactly how he smiled, forget exactly how his laughter sounded. So I feel like time is both my enemy and friend. Enemy, because time will blur precious memories. Friend, because each day that passes by I’m one day closer to being reunited with Paul again.
My friends and all those who love me are worried, they wanted me to move on. But I say, Can it be avoided? Is there any other way around it? Of course I am aware, there is none. Therefore moving on is not a choice but something that will occur naturally whether we like it or not.
Just as fate did not give me a choice nor did I seek the joy and pain of knowing Paul; I will let fate decide my future. But for now let me hang on and guard the memories that Paul left me while Fate does it’s inner workings. Therefore do not worry about me because Life will happen and Light will find even those who sits in the dark.
Everything is going to be alright. As Paul promised to me…
“I will always check on you”.
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